Saturday, October 15, 2016

Meijer and the survival kit

years ago, when I first started this blog, I had an epiphany that there were sections of Meijer that I had never wandered into.

recently, I visited one of those sections. my son needed some items for a wilderness survival kit that was required for his survival camping trip. apparently, the most important items needed in a wilderness survival kit are:

*fire-making stuff
*not-getting-lost stuff
*first-aid stuff
*warm/dry clothing stuff

and...

*fishing... stuff.

yep, there's an aisle for that. at Meijer, the supersized superstore.

the funny thing at Meijer is, as soon as you leave the grocery section, the aisles are no longer numbered. so, you need to stare up and across the massive superstore to find a giant sign that applies to your search, in this instance I looked for "outdoors" or "sporting." 

then, when the giant sign is directly overhead, you peer down each aisle to find the next sub-section sign that meets your needs. I got lucky, I looked for a "fishing" sign and two aisles later... bingo. 

I'm convinced that the truly successful Meijer shoppers are all pre-internet folk that had to use the archaic library card catalogs for a portion of their lives. the pansy google natives are the ones that drive Meijer associates crazy--always asking where something is, no perseverance skills, no search-'til-you-find-it grit.

the survival kit required a "hook and line," I recalled the hand drawn picture of a hook attached to a coil of fishing line, so that's what I was going to get, "hook and line."

the first wall display in the aisle was lures (colorful plastic fish with giant painted fisheyes attached to a massive hook). they were strangely fascinating in a macabre kind of way, but I had to move on, certain that the local Michigan streams/rivers couldn't support the type of fish those lures would... lure. 

I moved on, confident that the display of coiled line with a hook attached would soon appear. after the four foot real estate of lures came rods, then reels, then bobbers, then about a gazillion little baggies of things called barrel swivels (*shrugs*) and FINALLY I find the hooks. and below the wall grid of 36 different types of hooks, a shelf of dozens of various fishing line.

ummm... the survival kit clearly stated "hook and line." the b&w artist's rendition showed that they were a thing, a thing that was packaged together-- like Kim and Kanye. not separate like Brangelina. #ouch #toosoon? 

"why are they separate?" I asked aloud.

my daughter--who had been inspecting the various portable mace options, out loud--"why are all of the mace canisters pink? mace is sexist?!"--came to help me out. 

"I guess you have to attach the hook to the line, then put it in the survival kit."

oh. right, easy peasy. I grab a bag of hooks and a roll of line that look strong enough to catch a fish to help my son survive in the wilderness, when my daughter asks this question,

"does he even know how to fish?"

that old adage flashed into my mind:
feed a 21st century pre-teen a fish stick and he snacks for a day.
teach a 21st century pre-teen to fish before sending him out on a wilderness survival campout and he... survives.

"attention Meijer associates. there's a mom face palm in aisle: fishing."

Wednesday, October 05, 2016

Meijer and the scales of equality

if I had to label, or classify myself, I'd say I'm your typical omnivore.

I like plants.
I like meat.

I even tolerate them both on the same plate. 
it's about equality, people. E-qual-i-ty.

and just to be clear, I respect the other 2 -vores; the herbivores and carnivores. heaven knows I've had a few close calls with them when they morphed into angry-vores. more than once, under the superstore's roof, I've been just i n c h e s away from certain death(!)-- if it wasn't for my sharp mind, and the brussels sprouts distraction... *shutters* that herbivore would've gutted me. #smalltalkgonewrong

so yeah, respect.

but let's be honest. there is a bias toward the carnivores at Meijer. the biggest, glaring example that comes to mind is this...

versus this...
(full disclosure, the 2 pics above are google images. thanks, google!)

meat is weighed via super exact, digital-displayed science, wrapped (sometimes pre-wrapped!) and the smooth (never folded) UPC code label is affixed; with nice large type. ta-da! your brain-cell killing time at the cashier and/or u-scan just shaved off 2 minutes! lucky you, carnivore. lucky you. 

whereas, the herbivore and omnivore suckers are still dealing with the Machiavellian world of spring scales. and don't even get me started on the minuscule, always crumpled produce "labels." 

or the phenomena of me choosing all the beauty Honey Crisp apples to discover at the u-scan that none of my choices have a PLU label! sucks for you herbivore and omnivore, you get 4+ minutes added to your brain-cell killing check-out experience. #podiumofpowerpolitics

yep, the Meijer herbivores and omnivores have been dealing with these inequality shenanigans for decades, with only a brief respite when we stumble into a Wegman's, or some other type of unknown store, that cares for the struggling plant-eater.

so imagine my SHOCK when I approached the beloved Honey Crisp apple display...
(full disclosure, that's my pic. you can tell because it's a little blurry--my hands were shaking with excitement)

*silent rejoicing*

*clutches heart moment*

*remaining brain-cells squeal with delight*

equality, "coming soon."