Friday, May 19, 2017

Meijer and the germaphobe

here's the thing-- I took 10th grade biology, so I understand a thing or two about bacteria, aka germs.

they're everywhere. ev-er-y-wher-e 
(the last hyphen is unnecessary, of course, but I like the aesthetic)

it's one of those life realities, that as humans, we just have to accept. 

let me repeat that, just accept it, use good hygiene practices, and MOVE ON with life.
(in my head, I all-caps shouted, so I hope you did too)

a few years ago, when I found myself face-to-face with a specifically designed stand of antibacterial wipes next to Meijer's royal blue carts, I rolled my eyes, grabbed the cart's handle and walked away. 

now, I know, not everyone feels the same as I do. for instance, the new mother; it takes a kid or two before you accept life's germ-y realities. and yes, the medically fragile; they can't afford to be so overt eyeroll dismissive. fine. understood. but the rest of you--I'm looking at you Meijer crazies--really need to find a new hobby.

it's mid-morning and I need to pick up a few items. I pop in my earbuds and take my time walking to the indoor grocery cart-sanctum that this newly remodeled Meijer has created. I'm not in a rush, because it isn't Saturday, I even take in a cleansing inhale/exhale (that's yoga, right?) as the automatic doors whoosh open, revealing a clutch of Meijer customers, hanging out(?) in front of the cart tunnel.

ever the Meijer Outlier (thx Malcolm Gladwell!), my plan was to bypass the bystanders, grab a cart and commence shopping. I maneuver myself in front of the silent sheep customers, only to instinctively step-back with a mix of shock and consternation.

a woman has situated herself, her cart, and the stand of antibacterial wipes, directly in front of the rows of carts... while she vigorously cleans the cart.

yeah. 

the entire cart. 

the 45 seconds or so that I had patience to watch her (I could kick myself for not recording her with my iPhone, for the sake of this post), she wiped down the handle (repeatedly), the top and bottom edges of the basket, each basket wall--exterior and interior--and the legs of the cart. with each section, she dropped the dirty wipe onto a little pile on the floor.

she was in her own little antibacterial induced bubble--mentally and physically oblivious to the outside world--much less the Meijer customers waiting for her to move so we could get our own germ-infested carts.

when she eyed the wheels(!), and reached for the next wipe, I made my move. I stepped in front of the antibacterial stand and in my louder-than-normal voice stated, "excuse me, I need a cart."

I think the combination of my voice and physically blocking her from the wipes, burst germaphobe's OCD bubble and snapped her back to reality. 

with index and thumb fingers, she pushed her cart out of the way. I smiled and thanked her. I grabbed my cart, as did the other customers, but then noted that germaphobe had a new dilemma: a pile of bacteried-antibacterial wipes. 

horrified grimace when her eyes darted from used-wipes pile to the garbage can several feet away. knowing that my other super-power is common-sense (my other, other super-power is, of course, a secret), I scooped up the pile, smiled at her and tossed them in the garbage. #Heroic

if the CDC asked me to write their PSA germs slogan it would be, "wash your hands, but not until they bleed."

Friday, February 17, 2017

Meijer and the chair

ummm.

my, "it's 4:45pm, it's been a busy day, better stop by Meijer to pick up dinner (the ginormous Meijer Super Sub for $5)," jaunt had an interesting, no unsettling plot twist.

a New Greeter lady.
a chair.

mind blown yet? no?

NG lady was sitting in the chair! 

twiiiiist!

in my long-suffering 20 years of Meijerdom, I have never, and I mean ne-ver, experienced the greeter + chair combo. my observation has been that greeters stand because they also have responsibilities to straighten the area, help with directions, answer silly questions--"are you open yet?", and intervene with the occasional thwarting of the sinister types when the security mwhaa-mwhaa sound goes off.

it still doesn't compute, I mean, she is younger (by at least 15 years!) than every other greeter that I have half-heartedly, half-smiled at. 

can you even fathom how weird it is to walk through the airlock-- per normal, hear the doors whoosh open-- per normal, to then be bludgeoned with a perfectly healthy 50 year old, sitting in a chair-- not per normal? 

that's off-guard catching enough, but then, slouching-on-the-armrest NG lady looks at me with a blank look, as if she's totally bored by 5th period biology, and proceeds to give me the half-hearted head nod. no chirpy "welcome to Meijer" script, no working-to-be-sincere smile-- a head nod.

I was half-hearted outdone by the chair-sitting NG lady!

my feelings exactly, Keanu. #soulmates

*cue mind blown*