Meijer and the lost Christmas found

12.16.21: in a mad rush before leaving for a Christmas in the west, I dropped into Meijer, and seemingly into a time portal.

my iPhone's Christmas-cheer playlist, lock screen, and Reminders gift list were all strong indicators that it was indeed N I N E   D A Y S before Christmas, and yet Meijer's vibe was def a nod to August 2nd(!). (I chose that date because there isn't any major holiday decor, greeting card or candy to push for that date, if it's your special day please accept this apologetic celebration emoji: 🎉)

really? not a single Christmas and/or holiday decoration? 

1. the mannequin family members dotted around the store--toddler, tween, trim mom/aunt, trim dad/uncle, plus-size auntie/grandma (I never see a male plus-size equivalent, aka "husky" uncle/grandpa)--were all dressed for a chilly non-descript winter day. nary a Christmas sweater, scarf, or onesie jimjams dressed headless body-form to be found.

2. the typically Christmas-fun rafters? no fun.

3. by this date, Meijer "associates" have transformed into dashing-through-the-snow Santa's Elves with North Pole approved hats and teeny-jingle bell name tags. nope. 😔

4. the background muzak selection = playlist hits from the non-holidays 80s, and non-holidays 90s.

you'll recall the "where's Christmas" post 2020, the same general Christmas absence happened, but that was 2020 pandemic pandemonium, and we gave allowances for special circumstances... 

it's 2021(!!) people, break out the extra-telescoping-tall ladder and hang some freaking Christmas cardboard-glittered cheer!!

*deep sad, depressing sigh*

maybe this is the "new normal" everyone talks about--a future of lost Christmases.

😫...

UPDATE 12.18.21:

CHRISTMAS ISN'T LOST!!! 

I found it in Utah, at a grocery chain called...

my cheer-o-meter has sky-rocketed! 

my heretofore uninspired holiday malaise has evaporated into Christmas stocking-stuffer inspiration, excited anticipation to decorate Christmas cookies; all while the house fills with the oh-so-sweet aromas of sticky cinnamon bun delights.

*deep content sigh* and another smile-sip from my mug of Harmon's hot chocolate. #Christmasfound 

Meijer and the SWIs

I was yesterday years old when I realized that for years now, an unknown percentage of the people I mercilessly threw into the Meijer-crazy category were actually, not. they just might be something entirely different.

at least, that is the only explanation I can come up with for yesterday's jaunt into the superstore...

as y'all know during and since pandemic, the service industry has taken a colossal hit in the e m p l o y e e area. (*whispers* service industry's equivalent to the c r o t c h) people are reluctant to go back to work, and are opting for unemployment instead.

fast facts:
*there are 16 cashier lanes in Meijer, but only 4 Meijer cashiers
*there are 12 u-scan machines for 12 items or fewer
*there are 4 u-scan unlimited items lanes, but 1 is strictly for shipt employees

second in line at the unlimited u-scan lanes, I realized I had just finished the 6th song on my Meijer playlist since joining the line--that's approx 24 minutes! I turned around and counted 8 carts behind me. what the what?! 

I inventory the u-scan lanes: 2 people in the shipt lane, 2 red-light lanes with customers desperate to get the attention of the Steward of the Podium of Power, and a woman (with the only coveted green-lit lane) slowly quadruple-bagging individual grocery items.

in front of me, First in Line Lady makes a bold move and walks over to Quad Lady's touchscreen, throws her arms up in the air, and shouts to the rest of us, "she hasn't even paid!"

side note: I think that was what literary folk like to call "The Inciting Incident."

"I AIN'T GONNA PAY EITHER!!" she bellowed. 

I sincerely believe that all of us in line cocked our heads in unison at the incongruent declaration, with the optics of all groceries (quadruple) bagged and in her cart.

Quad Lady then leaned against the conveyor belt--effectively holding the only green-lit lane hostage. now, stay with me here... there is nowhere for me, or anyone else to go. 

collectively, we have already rejected the other 4 cashier-operated lanes because those lines were even longer! we can't just move over to the somewhat shorter 12-item lane because we clearly have more than 12 items and we've already invested 25+ minutes!

Quad Lady's announcement did get the attention of the SotPop, who immediately tried to reason with QL, yeahhhh. 

QL's emphatic head shaking, arms flailing and finger pointing at the screen, forced SotPop to do the unthinkable... he used his in-house walkie-talkie. #duhnduhnduhn 

within seconds 2 more associates showed up, one tried to fix the red-lit lanes, the other joined SotPop, which made QL puff-up into her full 65 years of age, 5'11", 300lbs and YELL once again the same message, albeit with a bit more clarification, "I AIN'T GONNA PAY--THAT SCREEN DIDN'T MATH RIGHT!"

I glance around, now everyone's getting agitated. it felt like I was surrounded by perturbed barrels of dynamite, and the QL's sparks were getting a littletooclose. with the help of SotPop #3, red-lit lanes turn green, a glimmer of hope that I'll get out of this alive takes shape, when...

Construction Worker Dude shows up, with his boxed deli lunch and fountain drink, cuts the entire line(!), and plants himself as the next check-out contestant for unlimited u-scan lane 9. 

that's when I did the unthinkable! I CALLED HIM OUT! do not even ask me why--it was a complete knee-jerk reaction--that might have been from a place of innocence: maybe he didn't see us writhing in line-hell agony?

"sir?" my indoor voice salutation only elicited a slight side-eye shift from Mr. LC (Line Cutter). I tried again, this time not so much from a place of innocence.

"SIR!" what I naively thought would just be a one-human-to-another clearing up of a misunderstanding went sideways--super fast.

when he turned to face me, I explained that there was a line waiting for those lanes. when he turned away, effectively ignoring me, that's when QL's initial skirting-sparks landed.

the woman he stood behind, turned on him, telling him to get in line. Granny behind me yelled a few non-Granny words at him, first in-line Guy in the other line pointed the way to the line behind him. generally both lines of I've-had-it-up-to-here customers were throwing shade.

I was tense, "what have I done?!" I thought--

"THAT MACHINE IS WRONG--IT KNOWS IT IS! I AM NOT DRUNK, WE ALL KNOW YOU CAN'T TAKE AMBIEN WITH ALCOHOL, BEER IS NOT ALCOHOL!"

clearly QL was not done with making her point that computers can't add, and in a way, it was a welcome distraction from Mr. LC. with most of us now watching the new drama unfold, and the other lanes back to flashing reds, Mr. LC made his next dastardly move.

👀

he didn't go to the back of the 12-item line, he waited on the side and then attempted to swoop in while oh-so-sober QL was defending her Ambien honor, and dissing all computers of the world.

I say attempted, because First In Line Guy cut him off with his cart, and chewed-him out while he scanned his items. 

Meijer mid-management shows up with bouncers (actually just cart-gathering guys in the orange and reflecting vests). they guide Mr. LC to the back of the line while he and First In Line Guy continue their back and forth, "you better be quiet!" and "big talk, big talk!" adult conversation.

now next in line, Meijer management directs me to the empty shipt lane. I have never u-scanned so fast in my entire Meijer customer career (#PR🥇) silently praying that nothing will trigger the red light. 

management decides to pull QL and her over-loaded cart to the empty lane next to me, attempting to explain basic math. QL is not having it. she explains that she can't afford that amount, that the computer knows it, and is lying about how much everything costs.

that's when the thought hits me; not crazy, just shopping while intoxicated.

"SWI," I absently/idiotically say aloud. "Shopping While Intoxicated."

"WHO KEEPS SAYIN' I'M DRUNK?!" 

I have never beat it out of Meijer so fast. #PR🥇

Meijer and the trouble with vaccine perk-iness

I uh, have a umm...perk problem. MI has had thirty-four days of vaccine perks and as lame as it sounds…

I miss my mask. 😷

but crazily enough, not for COVID hygienic/prevention reasons.

*embarrassed sigh*

apparently, during the 14 months of Meijer masking, I developed a few unacceptable... behaviors. 👀

behavior #1: lip-syncing lyrics to my various super awesome playlists (*gasp* I should make one Meijer Superstore Playlist to rule them all!! muahahaha!) 

turns out, the mask brought out the inner Lip-Sync Battle contestant in me; without having to hire backup singers, make a quick costume change, or hours of choreography sessions. 14 months of mask-wearing has created, enabled, and maintained this behavior: mask on --> air pods  in --> playlist start --> lip-sync begin.

now, during my 20-40 minute mask-free shopping experience, I will catch myself repeatedly (like, 5 or 6 times!), and openly—for all the world to see—silent-mouth lyrics. 🥴 #suchcringe

and there is no way I can pull off the pretend-scenario that I'm reading a label. mouth-reading and mouth-lyric-ing, pffft -- totally different. no sane Meijer customer reads to the beat while pushing a cart. #justsayin' 

behavior #2: instant/knee-jerk facial expression reactions at all the bizarro I witness. this is more frustrating than embarrassing for me. twenty-years of Meijer-crazy stoic-expression practice down the drain; in 14 months! 

for over a year now, my mask has been my crutch, the barrier that hid my horror, disgust, or ennui of the crazies. it feels like my professional objectivity, non-interference prime directive has taken a nose-dive. no longer can I objectively watch/record natural habitat behavior like the greats: Attenborough, Cousteau, and Irwin. 🥺

and there's the flip side of the above problem; the smiling(!). 

all. the. time. 

there's still a side of me that is so happy/thrilled/elated that public mask mandates are gone, that when I'm not witnessing bizarro, I smile. if I'm not careful, my mask-free-vaccinated-perky smile might do permanent muscle damage. not joke(r)ing. #jokersmile #whysoserious 

🤔

*shudders at possible fate*

*restocks car with masks*

Meijer and the vaccine perks

PANDEMIC UPDATE: 18May2021

the CDC announced that vaccinated folk can now publicly live mask-free. shockingly, Michigan's health advisers and governor agree.

of course, I head to Meijer--the superstore. 

honestly, I can't wait to experience the mask-less freedom and exhilaration of a clustered group of crazies customers under one massive warehouse-esque roof.

I step out of my car, soooo giddy(!). I sneer at the heretofore ever-present face mask folded in the cupmaskholder. we have waited for the Great Day of Normalcy, and it has arrived! 

big unmasked smile as I look to the west-side entrance/exit, half-expecting (hoping?) for a marching band, or an old-timey fire engine bell clanging the happy news, or maybe the Meijer Tzar, unmasked, personally greeting each customer, his pearly whites sparkling in the morning sunrise.

I squint at the entrance/exit sliding doors. my unhidden smile falters.

first one customer, then a couple more, exit the store... with masks ON!

like a Pavlovian trained mutt, mask-muscle-memory reaches for the double-layered face mask from its maskholder. my fingers expertly spread the mask loops wide to avoid bumping my AirPods and earrings, with a quick nose-pinch to seal the deal.

I quick-walk to the entrance, a flurry of toddler-tantrum reasoning rapid-fires through my brain, "but the CDC said... the governor said... everyone said..."

approaching the whooshing doors, I expected to see a big A-frame sign, or a large colorful placard that will release us from the past 14 months of masking, only to find this...

yeah. landscape oriented, 8.5"x11" sized, gray scale "color" piece of paper, taped to the very top corner of the doors--clearly Meijer is thrilled about the CDC's and MI de-masking policy. 

you know I've been dutifully playing by the rules, every rule(!) which suddenly, I realize, is exactly the point.

"the rules have changed," I mask mumble. 

I search for the best apropos hype song from one of my multiple playlists...

*dramatically yanks off mask* 

immediately followed by...

*obligatory juggle/ground scramble when my AirPods and earrings dislodge from dramatic yank*

my face flushed with obvious (and now visible) embarrassment, I collect my valuables, regain my dignity and stride through the airlock, bare-faced and resolute to enter the superstore--so ready for the welcoming "huzzahs!" of my fellow mask-freed humans(!)...

🦗🦗🦗

Still-Masked Greeter Lady nods her "Welcome to Meijer," with a lingering side-eye at my rebellious act of obeying the rules.

my eyes flit from one masked customer, and Meijer associate, to the next. 

seriously? am I the only fully-vaccinated-since-February Michigander that for months looked forward to actual perks of my Pfizer vaccines? I mean, besides the obvious perk of the "I'm Vaccinated" pin I used for my Insta story. #42views! #perks

my hand reached into my pocket, teasing the idea that I could just put my mask back on, blend in, give-in, give-up my new vaccinated perk...

a masked woman walking towards me literally stops in her tracks--clearly staring at my uncovered face. 

several knee-jerk reactions race through my mind: 

1. show her the pic of the tiny Meijer freedom sign, and my vaccine card?

2. fumble to replace mask... and possibly drop my AirPods for a second time? 

3. fight stance? (☜I'm gonna blame the Joan Jett hype song for that one)

I keep walking, ready for anything, when I watch her hand raise, as if in slo-mo, touch her mask, and then pull it off her face! correction, her angelic, beautifully smiling face!

of course I nod, and smile back, an electric human connection zaps between us as we pass each other. I glance away, and to my right I notice masked Hipster Dude taking in the scene. another de-masking, another amazing smile.

no, the entire store didn't unmask, join hands and sing the universal hymn of freedom... but I'm gonna add "the smiles of a stranger" as a definite, undeniable, vaccine perk.