Meijer and the big idea

"necessity is the mother of invention." Plato, The Republic.

that is what I call "big 'T' truth." needing something does make the juices in the gray matter flow but so does Waste-ity. see, I think I'm actually a child of the Depression Era. whenever I see something being wasteful or going to waste, I get all I Love Lucy-ified and start thinking of all sorts of clever (read goofy) ways to turn that waste into...non...waste. hmm, it's beginning to sound like I'm talking about sewer or landfill matter, ewww. poo imagery aside, I hate to see things go to waste, but love it when need and waste team up to become The Mutha of invention. Donny Deutsch's studio chaise lounge has hosted plenty of "muthas," and perhaps it's time to make room for me.

so, I've got a Big Idea for Meijer. wanna hear the terribly interesting process that made me come up with my Big Idea? heads nodding? okay, come on!

well, as you know, because I've told you, Michigan has about 5 solid months of winter temperatures. that's point #1. for years now, during each winter, I drive by the massive, fence-enclosed, winter-makes-it-defunct, Meijer Garden Center--frozen, barren, useless. that's point #2.

so, here's my Big Idea that I'm willing to give to Meijer: (fine print--for a mid-five figure idea fee and 12% (just like the number twelve!) of all future gross profits.) outdoor ice skating rink. call it: Skating Under the Stars. or for something more brand-pointed: Meijer's Polar Cap. Meijer, wake up to the money machine sitting out in the wide-open-west parking lot! an outdoor ice skating rink would provide the community with a days-gone-by, Rockefeller Center-esque, winter wonderland attraction. Meijer sells coats, hats, gloves, socks, spandex tights and tutu's (if you're into that kind of skating experience), long-underwear, and even ice-skates! sales of Starbucks coffee would sky-rocket if they would move the existing in-store Starbucks kiosk over to the Garden Center, providing easy access to coffee and cocoa for the chilly skaters. cha-ching! and, heaven forbid, should a mishap occur on the ice, Meijer sells Tylenol, Motrin, and about a zillion different sizes of band-aids. cha-ching, ching!

Meijer is open 24 hours a day, plenty of Midnight Madness skating, and they could re-hire all the phased-out bagboys, creating new jobs and reducing unemployment! and I'm pretty sure Meijer's existing linoleum cleaning "Zamboni" could be used to smooth the ice. Michigan has all the demographics needed for an outdoor ice skating rink. we live in the hockey-mania-heartland, constant profit flow from that demographic. another demographic, lovebirds dying for a better date alternative than a stop at Chipotle and taking in bad, politically- driven Hollywood "entertainment."

and don't be idiotic and ignore the Kristina Yamaguchi/Brian Boitano wannabe demographic. this group would pay any price (and has the ego/desire) to flaunt a toe loop turned into a Lutz, then fake-smile a humble bow to their oblivious fans. oh! the myriad of annoying mountains of bulldozed snow dotting the entire parking lot could be collected to become a sledding feature for families that are split between skating and sledding. ooooo, what about an ice-climbing wall/cliff for the truly adventurous! there you go, two whole new demographics (and merchandise opportunities), take that REI!

so, minds at Meijer, feel free to leave a comment with your contact information, and Mr. Deutsch, I would like dark chocolate green m&m's and cold skim milk in the green room.