Friday, August 12, 2016

Meijer and the MapQuest alternate universe

I'm going to be honest with you, I'm completely thrown by the supersize superstore shenanigans. and I don't get thrown easily. 

I have many gifts/talents (sleeping is my favorite) and one of them is the enviable "Remain Calm" ability. if you were a talent scout looking for Jedi, and had a midichlorian counter, you'd be impressed. seriously.

however, walking through the bat cave entrance today-- I was stripped of all my serenity and even-keeled-ness! as I approached the garden center, I had a mental grocery list, even a mapped out path...
1. enter store walk through outdoor section
2. turn left onto main walkway
3. take a right at home furnishings
4. follow this main walkway through bed and bath on left, shoes on right
5. dead end at frozen foods aka the grocery section.

step 1 no longer exists! it's as if I approached the bat cave entrance using Google maps, but when the bat cave closed behind me, I stepped into a MapQuest alternate universe! 

the pharmacy (complete with the FDA required 6 cranky waiting elderly), was in the exact spot the outdoor section used to occupy! wha--?! no joke, a freestanding, kiosk pharmacy! I felt dizzy, as I side-stepped the hacking-in-his-handkerchief-while-steering-a-grocery-scooter-into-the-Dr. Scholl's-machine gentleman, at least that was familiar. *overt eyeroll*

I regrouped as quickly as I could, my mind grasping at my previous universe's reality: step 2: left at main walkway, step 3: right at home furnishings. I turned left at the first chance I got-- into the junior's active wear section. 

my heart started to race, my fingers tingled with that tingly "something's not right" premonition. I fast-walked through rounds of racer-back tank tops and stupid-short shorts onto an unexpected main walkway. slightly disoriented, instinct took over, I turned right. 

"stick to the plan. step 4, you've made it to step 4. bed and bath left, shoes right..." my frazzled Blair Witch Project-esque mind reassured me. 

it lied. 

baby section and shoes on the left! my head kept turning left, then right, then left, desperately searching for a familiar landmark in this bizarro supersized universe.

"step 5freezer section aaaannny minute now."

no freezer section. instead, a seemingly endless grocery shelf aisle, labeled "1," but I exhaled my relief, I made it to the grocery section! 

I could feel my heart rate normalize, blood coursed back to my fingertips and I'm sure my pupils dilated, or un-dilated(?); I'm sure my pupils looked nearly normal as I moved forward to get--

my mind went blank.

I couldn't recall a single pre-determined grocery necessity. I closed my eyes, grabbed my forehead (either to stave off an impending headache or to squeeze the info to the front of my mind, not sure at this point), and released a long frustrated exhale.

my hand dropped when I heard my exhale's echo


I walked to the end of the aisle, turned the corner and nearly bumped into a woman, grasping her forehead, peering around from the other side. 

"do you have any idea where the pharmacy is?" she pleaded.

I smiled. "step 1..."

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