Monday, May 09, 2016

Meijer and the Helvetica outrage

apparently, every 10 years Meijer gets a makeover. 

in 2006, I posted this entry about my hopes and dreams for the Marsha makeover, and then the subsequent shredding of said hopes/dreams. Marsha's pretty/perky exterior couldn't hide the hideously uncouth soul of Jan.

recently, in 2016 (oh my gosh, time flies!), I turned left into the wide-open-west parking lot and was hit with major deja vu... the railroad construction containers are back-- with a vengeance!

not gonna lie, my heart skipped a beat. all a flutter, in my chosen parking spot, I stared wide-eyed at the metal containers...

"is this it?" 
questioned my once again hopeful heart. 
"is this the makeover that actually drives a stake into Jan's putrid walking-dead soul?" 
(wow, that took an unexpected HBO-esque turn.)

after taking the necessary time (8 seconds) to reflect on my heart's vicious inner-monologue, I decided guarded optimism would be the wisest policy.

but then, I stepped inside and realized that no type of optimism, guarded or otherwise should've been in my game plan:

1. live "plants and flowers" section takes up an absurd amount of realty in this pre-makeover. there are so many hyper-perfumed flowers, my lungs and sinuses instantly went into lock-down mode. you'd think they'd at least put this pollen-cloud hazmat disaster near the Allegra-D aisle, but no. 

2. "his/her birthday, son/daughter birthday, funny birthday, from us birthday, naughty birthday, etc." previously, the superstore housed maybe 4 half-displays (8' long?) of greeting cards; now there are 5 half-displays and 3 full-length displays of greeting cards! are there even that many people with birthdays in this world?! okay, maybe, but do they all shop at Meijer? #doubtful 

3. wall of cheese has disappeared. no joke. all those pre-packaged, pre-shredded, dyed-yellow, rubbery time-savers-- poof! instead, there's a floor to ceiling, sinister wall; half white plastic (like the kind you find in 1980's slasher films), half white particle board (not particularly creepy, but...) with lots of machinery-noise shrieking from beyond. it sounds like a torture chamber, intensified by the fact that you can't see what is going on behind the wall! it's like being snow-blind in a 17th century Spanish inquisition dungeon. yeah, exactly like that.

granted, the destruction/construction horrors will be temporary, and could possibly purge the insipid, insidious soul of Jan forever (fingers crossed, knock on wood), but there's still item #4 that is new and permanent, that I can't abide. new signage has already been strung from the rafters and it's unsettling because...

they've desecrated the beloved Helvetica, but... I'm not sure how. I know there's something wrong with it, a chubby width(?) with an unnatural height(?); perhaps it's the tail of the lowercase 'y'? I can't figure it out, but when I search for the aisle labeled "salty snacks," I hear raspy Gollum wail in my head, "it hurts us!"

silver-lining? I created the perfect Facebook activism slogan. #saveHelveticafromJan

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