Thursday, November 13, 2008

Meijer and the fuel facade

see, when my local "Meijer-Jan Brady" store got her "Meijer-Marsha Makeover," they forgot to remedy Jan's gas problem--the gas station, that is.

my previous visits to the Meijer gas station proved that Jan was showing her age. the gas price sign's plastic numbers weren't translucent and crisp, more on the opaque and yellowing side. and to add insult to injury, upside down 5's were being used to try and pass off as 2's. I know...sad.

on and outdoor sign (advertising specials inside the gas station's mini-mart), I even saw two lower case o's trying to fool me into believing they were zeroes. they looked like shocked eyeballs wondering when their pupils would return.

Jan's gas voice was a bit nerve racking too. you see, most gasoline consumers under the age of, let's say 68 years of age, choose to pay for gas at the pump, side stepping the mini-mart. well, I'm not sure if the minds at Meijer like this idea so much. it really ruins their twinkie, hot dog, doritos, beef jerky, and diet coke sales. I've learned to ignore handwritten scrawls scotch taped to the gas pump stating that I have to go inside to get my receipt, or signs that say debit card payers have to go inside, and even dire warnings written in blood red that say DON'T IGNORE THIS SIGN! yep, color me savvy.

so, when it was obvious that the signs were being ignored, Jan found her angry voice. angry voice bellows over the loud speakers attached to the tip-top of the extra-high gas pump carports, which then reverberate off all the steel frames and cement, making it impossible to tell which poor sucker has evoked the wrath of frumpy, gassy Jan. so, while angry voice screeches incomprehensible gibberish, each customer assumes angry voice is telling someone else to enter the mini-heart-attack-mart.

but no more! as I drove toward Meijer I was immediately awed by the transformation. a brand new electric, billboard-ish, signage informed me (in red, light-bright-type lightbulbs, featuring perfectly square cornered numbers) that regular gas was $1.999 and premium was $2.199!

by the way, what's with all the 9's? is gasoline sprinting to the finish line and needs the extra thousandth of a point to insure its win? sheeeshhh.

I pulled in to fancy pants' station, and admired the sign. filled with giddy hope for a brand new gas experience, (maybe the gas will smell different? tee hee) I opened my car door and immediately my ears were accosted with reverberating, loudspeaker static, angry voice.

after taking note that no one even flinched, much less walked in to the mini-triple-by-pass-mart, I felt a little pang of pity for Jan. for after all, it's true what they say; gassy beauty is only skin deep.

1 comment:

  1. The Meijer Chronicles is back!

    Jan probably just needs a nap and a tums.