Friday, September 12, 2008

Meijer and the superstore addiction

I'm sure by now you've caught on to my sanity destructive relationship with Meijer.

to sum up, this connection I have with Meijer seems to follow a cheesy "daytime drama" where the powerless coke (not the cola variety) addict clings to her abusive, life-power sucking boyfriend that keeps giving her coke so he can just kick her around and take money from her.

maybe not quite like that--well, yeah, maybe, kinda', sorta like that--but without all of the "heroin chic" imagery. you see the deep, ugly, twisted root of my Meijer-use problem is the undeniable fact that Meijer is the superstore!

perhaps to a Meijer-free citizen, my "superstore" argument smacks alot like a junkie in denial trying to blame the drug for all her problems, and thus, refusing to take responsibility. the whole "walks like a duck, quacks like a duck--quack, quack, quack" adage is dancing through your brain.

but please, I beg of you, hear me out before you host an intervention or worse, throw me into Kroger rehab.

first let me admit that I hate being a Meijer user. I hate the union induced customer-can-take-a-flying-leap treatment I get. I hate the pounding headaches I get from the incessant, forced "friendly banter" from cashier Peppy-Anne. I hate that the store is sooooo humongous that my "run-in" for milk, turns into a National Geographic-worthy trek expedition. I hate that, according to Meijer, it's Halloween right now and in just a few weeks Meijer will force me into a Christmas-stress meltdown!

but on the other hand, I need Meijer. I'm weak, I know, I know...I soooooo know!

if anything is to blame for my Meijer addiction, it's the cost of gasoline. I can't afford to drive all over three towns to aquire my needs at WalMart, Kroger, Costco, Target and Home Depot! and don't even try to sweetly slip in a suggestion about weaning myself off Meijer and on to a Hollywood Market or a Whole Foods! entire monthly grocery budgets have been blown in one visit to those stores--can you say expensive to the point of ridiculous?! how am I supposed to buy a quick snack for my son at Whole Foods cut-up fruit bar for $7.99/lb. when I know at Meijer I can get the same fruit for $4.49/lb and then run to Meijer's hardware section and buy a can of Rust-o-leum eucalyptus green spray paint?

ugh. I despise "giving in" and I loathe Oprah-like empowerment strategies, but perhaps I should spin my addiction as something positive...

I'll be accepting any/all suggestions.

1 comment:

  1. Be one with Meijer. Be one with your addiction. Know that it's okay.