Meijer and the not ok corral

pics for this post! 🤳🏼 🎉

when I took these pics, a Meijer associate, sitting Godfather-esque on a battery-drained electric cart, took umbrage at my blatant photoshoot of her fiefdom.

"can I help you?"

I kept snapping pics. I'm so good at ignoring supposed authority figures, especially when they are 20-something, unwashed hair, mouth-breathers.

MB shifted in her defunct electric throne, "ma'am?! can I help you?"

nary a glance as I walk away, "no."

a passive-aggressive spewing of "how dare she?!" snorts/grunts churned in my wake, but 🤷🏻‍♀️, my dedication to blog integrity trumps all Meijer associates' (aka #Meijersnowflakes™️) pretend indignation. 

let's unpack the pics...

I've only been out of the state for a few weeks, and this ⬇︎ is what I walk in to: 

major remodel on the west-side entrance, with, by the way, no heads-up railroad construction containers in the west parking lot! it just appeared in 2 weeks! 

14 cashier-run/conveyor belt cattle customer chutes... GONE! 

plus(!) 6 u-scan kiosks e l i m i n a t e d! 👀 (sidenote: zoom in, I just noticed that I captured the Godfather MB on her throne!)

thrilled-at-the-possibilities-goosebumps whooshed across my skin: has the superstore been chosen for a modern-techno-whiz-bang check-out pilot program? 

🙏🏽  🤞🏼

exhibit a:

nope. *thrilled goosebumps deflate*

huh, the superstore just became Walmart. 

yeeppp, take it all in folks; black pegboards cowhand-designed to guide all carts and shuffling bodies into a 12 kiosk corral, with only 1 SotPoP!! 🤠

after snapping the not-up-and-running-yet corral pic, and ignoring the MB, I hurry to the east side entrance, not sure what to expect amongst all the dizzying possibilities a-whirring inside my mind.

I skid to a stop, the SAME 12 kiosk corral(!) plus a winding line of befuddled Meijer cattle (not even going to bother with the strike-through, cattle is spot-on) all collectively unsure whether they are in line to checkout/escape, or have mistakenly signed up for a preg-check 😳

the flying solo, exasperated SotPop (no doubt wishing she had a Meijer-issued cattle prod) is inundated with impatient bellows demanding attention for out-of-date coupons, faded UPC codes, u-scan sensor double-scanning, weight/scale malfunctions, the mystery u-scan offense, and the KarenCow insisting the Franzia box wine is on sale. #moooooo!

 

I watch SotPop escape the corral, headed toward the Podium of Power, when an elderly bovine points to a very short line and asks, "cash?" SotPop shakes her head, "credit only."

intrigued at the short line, I investigate...

exhibit b: 

behold! the new and improved(?) express u-scans... 

true to superstore logic, there are only 3 of them (well, this pic shows only 1 working kiosk), credit card only, carts discouraged, and just enough space for 1 bag of items. 

*sigh* 

some of my fave words are: change, progress, technology and mucho more that denote getting me through a blankety-blank check-out lane sooner(!)… but tbh, I fear this corral make-over is a giant leap backwards. 

*sudden realization gasp!* they got rid of the dedicated check-out lanes for the shipt/instacart/doordash multi-orders per cart shoppers!! 

⬆︎ the 20th Century, brought back to you by Moo-jer, the soooperstore.  🐮

Meijer and the quickie

not trying to double entendre the title y'all, just a quick post about a short line.

we all have the same fantasy, right? you have to return something at Meijer, let's say... an air-vent phone mount. (← specific details = literary magic 🤩) you hope, fantasize, manifest, and visualize that this time, today your jaunt into Customer Service Land will be quick, an in-and-out, wham, bam, thank you for the refund, ma'am scenario. #🤞🏼

I turn into the Customer Service section, aka the cubby of weirdness. this "enclave," in every Meijer store, is walled with a claw machine game (how do they get all the stuffed creatures to face the glass--eyes agog?!), a redbox dispenser (really people, still?!), lottery vending machine, carpet cleaner rentals--and it never fails--an 😠 mom who simultaneously berates and spoils their child with their classic smoker/drinker/laryngitis outside bark voice.

"Which color lottery ticket do you want?! I SAID DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!!"

can't believe my luck(!), only 1 customer talking to the solo Meijer associate behind the desk and required hanging Covid-will-never-get-around-this-plastic barrier, and only 1 person in line!

I slide into line, a quick glance at the Meijer associate--oh yeah, she's a veteran, she'll have this lady's macrame throw pillow refunded in a NY minute. the receipt isn't even finished printing and Meijer Vet nods for the ponytail 20-something in front of me, holding 2 bags of groceries to step-up. I'm next up, baby! an impromptu jingle bounces around my thoughts "a quickie, a quickie; I scored a Meijer quickie!" 

mingled with the jingle, a faint, familiar You're-Going-to-Get-Screwed-by-Meijer siren. I ignore it as I eagerly step up, just 6' Covid-can't-catch-me away from 20-something lady, when this hits:

"she's already finished shopping. why is she here?"

buy stamps? 
buy a fill-in-the-bubble lottery ticket? 
speak to the manager to compliment the staff? #🤣 

Mommy Dearest's volume leaves the enclave, I lean in closer hoping 20-something just needs directions to the entrance/exit bathroom...

"hey, I just got a text, my friends want to meet me for a movie. I need to return these, I don't want them sitting in my car getting warm."

while I'm brain aneurysm-ing over 20-something's request 👀 😯 😳 😒 🤨 🤯 😡 😖 😩, Meijer Vet doesn't even blink. my quickie jingle dissipates into a dirge. 

true to her pro-self, Meijer Vet calmly nods me to her left when she scans the last two pounds of ground beef, tears off the receipt, and hands it to the 20-something speed texting. 20-something doesn't even glance up, but tosses out this half-hearted promise,

"I'll be back later to buy them again."

my jaw still dropped, Meijer Vet quickly scans my return, nods to the person behind me to step-up to her right, hands off my receipt, half-smiles at my stunned expression, and says, "thank you for your patience." 

I nod, thank her, and mentally 🙇🏻‍♀️ to the #QUEEN