Meijer and the CDC blues

PANDEMIC UPDATES: 

1. Michigan now requires face masks in all indoor public places, by law. I know this because Meijer told me so via a 3' folding A-frame sign, aaaannnddd a bouncer standing behind said sign, presumably to enforce said sign.

and by "bouncer" I mean an anemic, anorexic, meth-addict, who sips slim-fasts all day. #Icouldtakehim #💪🏼 #butIwont #playingbytherules

2. for the past 4 months these items on my grocery list have been AWOL. 

*antibacterial wipes

*isopropyl alcohol

*kippered snacks (quick protein source, don't judge)

*Dave's bread

*Vitamin D gummies 

*vinyl gloves (my fave kitchen gadget for dealing with meat, don't judge)

each item listed has an evenly aligned, negative-space (artsy lingo for 'empty') row, fronted with a plastic Meijer-font description + price, but no actual item to seal the deal. 

week after week feels like Meijer just shrugs at these items and thinks, "meh, they won't notice. let's stock up on packets of turkey gravy instead."

3. the superstore feels a bit... exhausted. 

all the happy little blue and white footprint floor stickers, giving me an exact 6' guesstimate where to queue-up, are now worn, torn, or reduced to a circle smudge of sticky. so now, Mr. Coughing Through My Turtleneck feels more like 6" away. 

the greeters hope I think they're smiling behind the masks, but the eyes don't lie. and all the antibacterial wipes they hand out, become dried pieces of litter all over the store, carts, and the parking lot-- egads! it just hit me--no wonder there aren't any wipes on the shelves!

4. I forgot my AirPods today, so I got to "experience" a pandemic background playlist. 

it sucks. when did grocery shopping become so moody, so slow-jam, so I got the blues, with a dose of reality hit-list of rules and regs from the CDC? 

*sigh* I never thought I would pine so hard for the perky tunes of Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, Danke Schoen, or Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.

gotta be honest, I'm ending this post searching for a bright side, a silver-lining, and all I can come up with is...

won't have to go back to the superstore for another 10 days 😟, and 🤞🏼 that a vaccine comes out in 9. #remembertheairpods

Meijer and the sexy sister-store

not to come off as dramatic or anything (who? me?), but when I turned right to exit the hospital's campus, I think I may have had a stroke. or saw a mirage...? 

because this barely-recognizable-as-a-Meijer seemed to vibrate into existence from the 96 degree heat vapors. up to this exact second, I had no idea that this... concept even existed! maybe I can (and will) blame COVID-19 shelter-in-place restrictions.

but here I am, reeling in a new reality--Meijer, the superstore, has been outdone by none other than... ITSELF! *brain implosion*

let me, in a series of pics and words, unpack (←new buzzword, gotta keep the blog fresh) this pic.

Meijer blue and Meijer red colors? gone. in fact, I *overt eye-rolled* just thinking of that ridiculous color combo. #redwhiteandblue #pfft #beendone

typical Meijer windowless store front? bite your tongue! look at the "if I wanted to, I could open these garage-esque walls and look like a farmer's market" doors! 

here's another pic to bowl you over.

shiny, sleek, new(!), classic--yet trendy--black carts! *swoon* I am now loathe to admit it, but there was a day when the cobalt blue carts turned my head. btw, cobalt blue, sooo past tense.  

clutching the cart's smooth, barely been used handle to guide the still-round-not-mutilated-wheels, I glided into this outrageously sexy (which by extension made me sexy too, right? 👠) Meijer. 

the store's interior is over the top cool, mod, local-focused, organized, and all the other words that mean my head is boggled, in a good way(!). 


take a look see. 

it was (no-joke) so hard to look away from all this gorgeousness surrounding me, and focus on my iPhone's Reminders grocery list. 

after the 30th time of raising my phone to take yet another beauty shot, I was sure I would blow my heretofore incognito blogger life. #facemasktotherescue

I forced myself to stop the paparazzi-OCD, and when I finally reviewed my list, an interesting reality hit; "umm, this is no superstore." 

okaaaay. this Meijer is limited in variety/inventory, and smaller in square footage. so, sure, "market" is def the right descriptor.

for example, I couldn't find regular, everyday staple foods (Tostitos), or toiletries (Dove Beauty Bar). not to mention the aisles of salsa, and deodorant varieties were MIA. 

my honest review? *sigh* 

this Meijer: all sex appeal, baby.  

case in point: a Detroit based distillery pivoted from vodka production to hand sanitizer. this is sexy Meijer's answer to my pandemic hand sanitizer needs.

isn't that the most amazing $12.99 worth of hand sanitizer eye-candy you have ever seen during this pandemic? 

that cork-capped, vertical-textured, opaque-glass bottle display was just another figurative little black dress, stilettos, and candy-red lipstick addition to the Pleasure Island experience. 

a sudden thought struck me. my eyes flit from the sexy store's inventory, and focused/scrutinized the customers--would they be as sexy as the surroundings? or do "regular" people somehow ugly-stumble (like I did) into this oasis of perfectly placed inventory and aesthetics? 

side note: get this. I actually glanced down at my t-shirt and jeans, checked my lipstick, and zhuzhed my hair. suddenly worried my Meijer superstore standards wouldn't pass muster here. #whatevs 

I think I discovered a formula to describe the customer clientele: LA Fitness (lots of snapback bros & lulu lemon chicas) + Whole Foods (grocery $$$ price point & hipster sustainability) = Sexy Meijer Market. #doubleentendre

and to answer the question y'all are dyin' to ask: will she fickle-ditch the upgraded Marsha superstore for this newer, even more sexier sister-store? 

well... living the pandemic life has taught me something that I'll apply to this jaunt into Meijer's sexy side: there's essential, and then there's non-essential. 

and dang it(!), I want both. 

#pleaseandthankyou