Meijer and the sexy sister-store

not to come off as dramatic or anything (who? me?), but when I turned right to exit the hospital's campus, I think I may have had a stroke. or saw a mirage...? 

because this barely-recognizable-as-a-Meijer seemed to vibrate into existence from the 96 degree heat vapors. up to this exact second, I had no idea that this... concept even existed! maybe I can (and will) blame COVID-19 shelter-in-place restrictions.

but here I am, reeling in a new reality--Meijer, the superstore, has been outdone by none other than... ITSELF! *brain implosion*

let me, in a series of pics and words, unpack (←new buzzword, gotta keep the blog fresh) this pic.

Meijer blue and Meijer red colors? gone. in fact, I *overt eye-rolled* just thinking of that ridiculous color combo. #redwhiteandblue #pfft #beendone

typical Meijer windowless store front? bite your tongue! look at the "if I wanted to, I could open these garage-esque walls and look like a farmer's market" doors! 

here's another pic to bowl you over.

shiny, sleek, new(!), classic--yet trendy--black carts! *swoon* I am now loathe to admit it, but there was a day when the cobalt blue carts turned my head. btw, cobalt blue, sooo past tense.  

clutching the cart's smooth, barely been used handle to guide the still-round-not-mutilated-wheels, I glided into this outrageously sexy (which by extension made me sexy too, right? 👠) Meijer. 

the store's interior is over the top cool, mod, local-focused, organized, and all the other words that mean my head is boggled, in a good way(!). 


take a look see. 

it was (no-joke) so hard to look away from all this gorgeousness surrounding me, and focus on my iPhone's Reminders grocery list. 

after the 30th time of raising my phone to take yet another beauty shot, I was sure I would blow my heretofore incognito blogger life. #facemasktotherescue

I forced myself to stop the paparazzi-OCD, and when I finally reviewed my list, an interesting reality hit; "umm, this is no superstore." 

okaaaay. this Meijer is limited in variety/inventory, and smaller in square footage. so, sure, "market" is def the right descriptor.

for example, I couldn't find regular, everyday staple foods (Tostitos), or toiletries (Dove Beauty Bar). not to mention the aisles of salsa, and deodorant varieties were MIA. 

my honest review? *sigh* 

this Meijer: all sex appeal, baby.  

case in point: a Detroit based distillery pivoted from vodka production to hand sanitizer. this is sexy Meijer's answer to my pandemic hand sanitizer needs.

isn't that the most amazing $12.99 worth of hand sanitizer eye-candy you have ever seen during this pandemic? 

that cork-capped, vertical-textured, opaque-glass bottle display was just another figurative little black dress, stilettos, and candy-red lipstick addition to the Pleasure Island experience. 

a sudden thought struck me. my eyes flit from the sexy store's inventory, and focused/scrutinized the customers--would they be as sexy as the surroundings? or do "regular" people somehow ugly-stumble (like I did) into this oasis of perfectly placed inventory and aesthetics? 

side note: get this. I actually glanced down at my t-shirt and jeans, checked my lipstick, and zhuzhed my hair. suddenly worried my Meijer superstore standards wouldn't pass muster here. #whatevs 

I think I discovered a formula to describe the customer clientele: LA Fitness (lots of snapback bros & lulu lemon chicas) + Whole Foods (grocery $$$ price point & hipster sustainability) = Sexy Meijer Market. #doubleentendre

and to answer the question y'all are dyin' to ask: will she fickle-ditch the upgraded Marsha superstore for this newer, even more sexier sister-store? 

well... living the pandemic life has taught me something that I'll apply to this jaunt into Meijer's sexy side: there's essential, and then there's non-essential. 

and dang it(!), I want both. 

#pleaseandthankyou  

Meijer and the forgivable sin

225,000 sq/ft. that's the average square footage for a Meijer store. 

having a hard time visualizing that number? have a look see...



for my farming/suburban peeps: 4.59 acres 
for my big-city folks: 2 blocks

and you laughed when I compared the superstore to an ultra. #sillyyou

when the task of picking up groceries becomes necessary, I have a full-on, in-my-head pro/con debate about which grocery store to choose. 

Kroger 's size is a hop-skip-and-a-jump experience compared to Meijer but, lacks product variety and quantity, and no apple-pay(!).

Whole Foods is the middle sq/footage option, but... they have a different product variety hurdle--it's for a very specific customer/demographic. I call this customer the "Vegan-Hipsters-That-Reject-(but participate in)-A-Capitalist-Society," #veghiptracs (☚ I would love to see that # trend). on the pro side, the veghiptracs are seriously into apple pay. 🤛🏼

and then there's Meijer, the behemoth Moby Dick superstore.

so, when I inner-debate the options, and choose Meijer, it's because I have convinced myself that the apple pay option #nopurselife, and marathon experience will be worth the assumed product variety and quantity.

insert *overt eye roll*

I review my list, you know, mentally GPSing the most efficient route for this inevitable heater-skelter experience:
cauliflower
garlic 
parchment paper 
fairlife milk
unreal crispy dark chocolate peanut butter cups
vitamin D gummies
zip-ties the long ones (not the teeny ones, and not the medium ones)
LED bulbs
mio: orange vanilla w/ vitamins
T-straight pins
halo ice cream: peanut butter cup or (2nd choice) mint chip

(side note: I'm analyzing this list to see if I'm revealing too much about myself to the world. it does come off as some sort of pretend health-nut list... but then the LED bulbs, long zip-ties and T straight pins lean... w e i r d. #letmebeclear #Ileanopposite #totheweird #kindofweird)

and here's the result:
cauliflower ✔︎
garlic ✔︎
parchment paper ✘
fairlife milk ✘
unreal crispy dark chocolate peanut butter cups ✘
vitamin D gummies ✘
zip-ties: long ones (not the teeny ones, and not the medium ones ☚ gobs and gobs of these sizes!) ✘
LED bulbs ✔︎
mio: orange vanilla w/ vitamins  ✘
T straight pins  ✘
halo ice cream: peanut butter cup or (2nd choice) mint chip...

I'm the very picture of fuming disbelief--I pro/con-ed this trip! I push my pathetic two-tier cart with its contents of two root veggies and a box of energy efficiency towards the freezer section.

my foot throbs--all the petulant foot stomping, my hair is in disarray--all the bending over to see if my item is in the waaaaaay back of the shelf, and my tongue is sore--all the biting to keep my blankety-blank frustration from escaping. 

the motion sensor lights behind the glass freezer doors flicker awake as I pass. a pleading mantra loops in my head.

"peanut butter cup--that's all I want. please have it. please!"

trust me, I'm soooo aware that if a person's inner-mantra is a desperate plea for a particular flavor of ice cream, well... that person has lost it. 🙋🏻‍♀️

my cart rolls up to the halo section, I open the frosty door, metaphorically morphing into T-800, my eyes flip to hyper-focus search mode (HFSM), hands disregard their natural aversion to cold, and rapid-sort through the options. 

"no!" my frosty heart-wrenching gasp of disappointment stamps the death-knell into my mantra: ✘

I regroup, grasping for a modicum of hope, 

"mint chip?" ✘!

I drop into a squat, continue my search, angrily reject the toppled, always left-behind flavor: oatmeal cookie. puh-lease! for the love of creamed-ice, halo(!), put the oatmeal out of its misery!

I reach deep into the frozen closet and pull forward what I know will be a disast--


👀?!?!


heretofore this moment... I've never seen, much less tasted the blueberry crumble.

I like blueberries.
I like crumbles.

my ✘ angst dissolves. 
the pain in my foot? gone. 
my hair? feels aright on my head.
my tongue? pfffft(!)--all it feels is anticipation for this flavor curiosity.

walking to my car, I review Meijer's unforgivable sin, only ~30% of my list?! but then, I grip my Meijer emblazoned bag tighter, and glance down at the golden-y tops of two pints of forgiveness.