Meijer and the SWIs

I was yesterday years old when I realized that for years now, an unknown percentage of the people I mercilessly threw into the Meijer-crazy category were actually, not. they just might be something entirely different.

at least, that is the only explanation I can come up with for yesterday's jaunt into the superstore...

as y'all know during and since pandemic, the service industry has taken a colossal hit in the e m p l o y e e area. (*whispers* service industry's equivalent to the c r o t c h) people are reluctant to go back to work, and are opting for unemployment instead.

fast facts:
*there are 16 cashier lanes in Meijer, but only 4 Meijer cashiers
*there are 12 u-scan machines for 12 items or fewer
*there are 4 u-scan unlimited items lanes, but 1 is strictly for shipt employees

second in line at the unlimited u-scan lanes, I realized I had just finished the 6th song on my Meijer playlist since joining the line--that's approx 24 minutes! I turned around and counted 8 carts behind me. what the what?! 

I inventory the u-scan lanes: 2 people in the shipt lane, 2 red-light lanes with customers desperate to get the attention of the Steward of the Podium of Power, and a woman (with the only coveted green-lit lane) slowly quadruple-bagging individual grocery items.

in front of me, First in Line Lady makes a bold move and walks over to Quad Lady's touchscreen, throws her arms up in the air, and shouts to the rest of us, "she hasn't even paid!"

side note: I think that was what literary folk like to call "The Inciting Incident."

"I AIN'T GONNA PAY EITHER!!" she bellowed. 

I sincerely believe that all of us in line cocked our heads in unison at the incongruent declaration, with the optics of all groceries (quadruple) bagged and in her cart.

Quad Lady then leaned against the conveyor belt--effectively holding the only green-lit lane hostage. now, stay with me here... there is nowhere for me, or anyone else to go. 

collectively, we have already rejected the other 4 cashier-operated lanes because those lines were even longer! we can't just move over to the somewhat shorter 12-item lane because we clearly have more than 12 items and we've already invested 25+ minutes!

Quad Lady's announcement did get the attention of the SotPop, who immediately tried to reason with QL, yeahhhh. 

QL's emphatic head shaking, arms flailing and finger pointing at the screen, forced SotPop to do the unthinkable... he used his in-house walkie-talkie. #duhnduhnduhn 

within seconds 2 more associates showed up, one tried to fix the red-lit lanes, the other joined SotPop, which made QL puff-up into her full 65 years of age, 5'11", 300lbs and YELL once again the same message, albeit with a bit more clarification, "I AIN'T GONNA PAY--THAT SCREEN DIDN'T MATH RIGHT!"

I glance around, now everyone's getting agitated. it felt like I was surrounded by perturbed barrels of dynamite, and the QL's sparks were getting a littletooclose. with the help of SotPop #3, red-lit lanes turn green, a glimmer of hope that I'll get out of this alive takes shape, when...

Construction Worker Dude shows up, with his boxed deli lunch and fountain drink, cuts the entire line(!), and plants himself as the next check-out contestant for unlimited u-scan lane 9. 

that's when I did the unthinkable! I CALLED HIM OUT! do not even ask me why--it was a complete knee-jerk reaction--that might have been from a place of innocence: maybe he didn't see us writhing in line-hell agony?

"sir?" my indoor voice salutation only elicited a slight side-eye shift from Mr. LC (Line Cutter). I tried again, this time not so much from a place of innocence.

"SIR!" what I naively thought would just be a one-human-to-another clearing up of a misunderstanding went sideways--super fast.

when he turned to face me, I explained that there was a line waiting for those lanes. when he turned away, effectively ignoring me, that's when QL's initial skirting-sparks landed.

the woman he stood behind, turned on him, telling him to get in line. Granny behind me yelled a few non-Granny words at him, first in-line Guy in the other line pointed the way to the line behind him. generally both lines of I've-had-it-up-to-here customers were throwing shade.

I was tense, "what have I done?!" I thought--

"THAT MACHINE IS WRONG--IT KNOWS IT IS! I AM NOT DRUNK, WE ALL KNOW YOU CAN'T TAKE AMBIEN WITH ALCOHOL, BEER IS NOT ALCOHOL!"

clearly QL was not done with making her point that computers can't add, and in a way, it was a welcome distraction from Mr. LC. with most of us now watching the new drama unfold, and the other lanes back to flashing reds, Mr. LC made his next dastardly move.

👀

he didn't go to the back of the 12-item line, he waited on the side and then attempted to swoop in while oh-so-sober QL was defending her Ambien honor, and dissing all computers of the world.

I say attempted, because First In Line Guy cut him off with his cart, and chewed-him out while he scanned his items. 

Meijer mid-management shows up with bouncers (actually just cart-gathering guys in the orange and reflecting vests). they guide Mr. LC to the back of the line while he and First In Line Guy continue their back and forth, "you better be quiet!" and "big talk, big talk!" adult conversation.

now next in line, Meijer management directs me to the empty shipt lane. I have never u-scanned so fast in my entire Meijer customer career (#PR🥇) silently praying that nothing will trigger the red light. 

management decides to pull QL and her over-loaded cart to the empty lane next to me, attempting to explain basic math. QL is not having it. she explains that she can't afford that amount, that the computer knows it, and is lying about how much everything costs.

that's when the thought hits me; not crazy, just shopping while intoxicated.

"SWI," I absently/idiotically say aloud. "Shopping While Intoxicated."

"WHO KEEPS SAYIN' I'M DRUNK?!" 

I have never beat it out of Meijer so fast. #PR🥇