Meijer and the trouble with vaccine perk-iness

I uh, have a umm...perk problem. MI has had thirty-four days of vaccine perks and as lame as it sounds…

I miss my mask. 😷

but crazily enough, not for COVID hygienic/prevention reasons.

*embarrassed sigh*

apparently, during the 14 months of Meijer masking, I developed a few unacceptable... behaviors. 👀

behavior #1: lip-syncing lyrics to my various super awesome playlists (*gasp* I should make one Meijer Superstore Playlist to rule them all!! muahahaha!) 

turns out, the mask brought out the inner Lip-Sync Battle contestant in me; without having to hire backup singers, make a quick costume change, or hours of choreography sessions. 14 months of mask-wearing has created, enabled, and maintained this behavior: mask on --> air pods  in --> playlist start --> lip-sync begin.

now, during my 20-40 minute mask-free shopping experience, I will catch myself repeatedly (like, 5 or 6 times!), and openly—for all the world to see—silent-mouth lyrics. 🥴 #suchcringe

and there is no way I can pull off the pretend-scenario that I'm reading a label. mouth-reading and mouth-lyric-ing, pffft -- totally different. no sane Meijer customer reads to the beat while pushing a cart. #justsayin' 

behavior #2: instant/knee-jerk facial expression reactions at all the bizarro I witness. this is more frustrating than embarrassing for me. twenty-years of Meijer-crazy stoic-expression practice down the drain; in 14 months! 

for over a year now, my mask has been my crutch, the barrier that hid my horror, disgust, or ennui of the crazies. it feels like my professional objectivity, non-interference prime directive has taken a nose-dive. no longer can I objectively watch/record natural habitat behavior like the greats: Attenborough, Cousteau, and Irwin. 🥺

and there's the flip side of the above problem; the smiling(!). 

all. the. time. 

there's still a side of me that is so happy/thrilled/elated that public mask mandates are gone, that when I'm not witnessing bizarro, I smile. if I'm not careful, my mask-free-vaccinated-perky smile might do permanent muscle damage. not joke(r)ing. #jokersmile #whysoserious 

🤔

*shudders at possible fate*

*restocks car with masks*

Meijer and the vaccine perks

PANDEMIC UPDATE: 18May2021

the CDC announced that vaccinated folk can now publicly live mask-free. shockingly, Michigan's health advisers and governor agree.

of course, I head to Meijer--the superstore. 

honestly, I can't wait to experience the mask-less freedom and exhilaration of a clustered group of crazies customers under one massive warehouse-esque roof.

I step out of my car, soooo giddy(!). I sneer at the heretofore ever-present face mask folded in the cupmaskholder. we have waited for the Great Day of Normalcy, and it has arrived! 

big unmasked smile as I look to the west-side entrance/exit, half-expecting (hoping?) for a marching band, or an old-timey fire engine bell clanging the happy news, or maybe the Meijer Tzar, unmasked, personally greeting each customer, his pearly whites sparkling in the morning sunrise.

I squint at the entrance/exit sliding doors. my unhidden smile falters.

first one customer, then a couple more, exit the store... with masks ON!

like a Pavlovian trained mutt, mask-muscle-memory reaches for the double-layered face mask from its maskholder. my fingers expertly spread the mask loops wide to avoid bumping my AirPods and earrings, with a quick nose-pinch to seal the deal.

I quick-walk to the entrance, a flurry of toddler-tantrum reasoning rapid-fires through my brain, "but the CDC said... the governor said... everyone said..."

approaching the whooshing doors, I expected to see a big A-frame sign, or a large colorful placard that will release us from the past 14 months of masking, only to find this...

yeah. landscape oriented, 8.5"x11" sized, gray scale "color" piece of paper, taped to the very top corner of the doors--clearly Meijer is thrilled about the CDC's and MI de-masking policy. 

you know I've been dutifully playing by the rules, every rule(!) which suddenly, I realize, is exactly the point.

"the rules have changed," I mask mumble. 

I search for the best apropos hype song from one of my multiple playlists...

*dramatically yanks off mask* 

immediately followed by...

*obligatory juggle/ground scramble when my AirPods and earrings dislodge from dramatic yank*

my face flushed with obvious (and now visible) embarrassment, I collect my valuables, regain my dignity and stride through the airlock, bare-faced and resolute to enter the superstore--so ready for the welcoming "huzzahs!" of my fellow mask-freed humans(!)...

🦗🦗🦗

Still-Masked Greeter Lady nods her "Welcome to Meijer," with a lingering side-eye at my rebellious act of obeying the rules.

my eyes flit from one masked customer, and Meijer associate, to the next. 

seriously? am I the only fully-vaccinated-since-February Michigander that for months looked forward to actual perks of my Pfizer vaccines? I mean, besides the obvious perk of the "I'm Vaccinated" pin I used for my Insta story. #42views! #perks

my hand reached into my pocket, teasing the idea that I could just put my mask back on, blend in, give-in, give-up my new vaccinated perk...

a masked woman walking towards me literally stops in her tracks--clearly staring at my uncovered face. 

several knee-jerk reactions race through my mind: 

1. show her the pic of the tiny Meijer freedom sign, and my vaccine card?

2. fumble to replace mask... and possibly drop my AirPods for a second time? 

3. fight stance? (☜I'm gonna blame the Joan Jett hype song for that one)

I keep walking, ready for anything, when I watch her hand raise, as if in slo-mo, touch her mask, and then pull it off her face! correction, her angelic, beautifully smiling face!

of course I nod, and smile back, an electric human connection zaps between us as we pass each other. I glance away, and to my right I notice masked Hipster Dude taking in the scene. another de-masking, another amazing smile.

no, the entire store didn't unmask, join hands and sing the universal hymn of freedom... but I'm gonna add "the smiles of a stranger" as a definite, undeniable, vaccine perk.