over the years I have developed a finely honed Meijer crazy evaluation process. I could flow-chart this process for you or even insert a link to a power point presentation, but I won't 'cause that would be geeky. besides, those tools are static and cannot shift with all the variables inherent to a Meijer crazy. but wanting to be helpful, here are a few scenarios for you to study and hopefully you can learn a thing or two from my mistakes.
case scenario A--don't start a friendly conversation. broccoli is on sale for $.99. at the broccoli "pile" another woman is making her choices, carefully placing the desired ones in the crook of her arm, like a slew of tiny green babies. I notice she is buying a lot of broccoli. I decide to ask how she is going to store all that broccoli, just trying to start a friendly conversation, maybe exchange some kitchen tips (obviously, this occurred when I was a novice).
so, with my naive, folksy voice, I ask the broccoli hoarder, "do you cook those, then freeze; or do you just freeze them raw?" like a flash of lightning she whips her head to face me. I think she mistook me for a Meijer produce associate because she snapped at me, "the sign doesn't say there's a limit, so I can take home (not buy but take home) how ever many I want!" the sirens in my head blared, "walk away! walk away! walk awaaaaay!" instead, trying to recoup my faux pas, I offer to get her a plastic produce bag to which I was promptly scolded with, "plastic isn't natural!" just a side tip to this lesson, listen to the blaring sirens in your head.
case scenario B--never respond to a Meijer crazy. the pharmacy gods are against me this day. my son has chosen the busiest day to get sick and requires prescription drugs. I'm pretty sure the over-80 pharmacy customers were not happy when the "young-family" usurpers rustle up to their territory. the pharmacy waiting area offers a free, touch-screen, automated weight scale and blood pressure evaluation. for my two youngsters, this is a real treat, so they wait for the only man using the machine to finish, then begin tapping the proper choices on the screen, they have their weight and blood pressure taken, absolutely delighted with the print out receipt.
suddenly, I hear an elderly "gentleman" shout, "they are going to break that and a lot of people count on that machine!" startled into she-lion mode, and forgetting that technology is a complete conundrum to this generation, I ask, "how are my children's fingertips any different than yours? the reinforced glass and the touch-screen software won't break because it registers a child tapping." reacting like I just threw him into an apoplexy, the man spews out some loud curses and emphatically waves the how-dare-you index finger at me.
case scenario C--don't state the obvious. once again I'm at the check-out lane. I begin unloading my cart; skim-milk, cracker barrel vermont white cheese (oooo, I love sharp cheese!) fruit, veggies, and turkey ball park franks--we're having a weenie roast.
"those will kill you," I hear in a gruff, I smoke-three-packs-a-day voice from behind my cart. confused, I look around me in the are-you-talking-to-me? head gesture. sure enough the lady (I use this term loosely) nods her head. "those hot dogs, they'll kill you. I had an uncle that ate them everyday for lunch and he died from cancer." okay, so I can't help notice that an opened pack of cigarettes are sticking out from her purse, she is carrying a six pack of beer, and a bag of donuts in one arm and three boxes of pop-tarts in the other arm. I can't help myself, "really?!" I ask in an alarmed voice, "what kind of cancer?" I whisper in reverence. she get's agitated, and replies harshly, "well it started out as lung cancer and then spread, but he swore up and down that it was those damn hot dogs that gave him cancer!"
Monday, December 05, 2005
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Meijer and the sit-com SWAT team
a few years ago, the Meijer store I frequent was given a complete overhaul. as a result the store is much larger and more organized than it was (it went from grimey huge, to cleanish humongo). the store now features these make-your-neck-hurt-to-look-up warehouse like ceilings. there's really no reason to, but on occassion I will risk neck pain to look up and survey the scenery. there's more going on up there than you would imagine.
the innocent child in me likes to look for the stray balloon of elmo or even ariel (the little mermaid for those without a disney fanatic), floating between the rafters or bapping their little helium heads on the sky-like ceiling. even an amateur bird watcher can enjoy the occasional sparrow, goldfinch or early spring robin, flying about searching for their next target, I mean nesting site.
the spring meadow music drifting through my head suddenly comes to an abrupt halt when I realize, I'm being watched. my twitter-pated goofy smile self-consciously turns to a cough and bored stare. you've probably seen them, they are the smokey-black, plasti-glass, half-sphere moles dangling from the ceiling's skin (eewwww, too graphic). they are watching me and yes, you.
no, this isn't a "she's crossed over to the Meijer crazy" paranoia moment. seriously, like every other store, security is a high priority at Meijer. I can understand the need for surveillance cameras, people fake accidents at grocery stores all the time, hoping to cash-in on the $%&#@, corporate Man! then there's the percentage of the Meijer customer base who choose shoplifting as their crime of choice.
now, amazingly enough I have never witnessed a shoplifter in the moment of comitting a crime. well, unless you consider the guy that "tastes" about 1.33 pounds of grapes. or the lady that cleans up the cheese and meat taster tray (including crackers) at the deli counter. or the mom that dumps the stale, broken bakery cookies into her toddler's snack tupperware container. those shades of grey aside, I haven't witnessed shoplifting at Meijer. however, I have watched the almost comedic scene of bringing down the law breakers.
while standing in line, I realize that a ceiling mole is dangling above every cash register. I imagine the surveillance camera room with a wall banked with small monitors, panning every nook and cranny of the store. oh, and the monitor-watchers are bemuscled (not bemused!) ex-navy seals with tattoos expressing love for "mum" and have nickname's like rosie or boo-bear. I wonder from which door the Meijer SWAT team would burst out of, ready to dog-pile the "perp"--yeah, I"ve watched Kojak.
after giving a half-hearted "thanks" to the greeter thanking me for shopping that day, (I have no idea why I say thanks, but replying "your welcome" seems too smug) I pass through the security detector thing and into the air lock. ahead of me I see this guy leaving the store, who seriously, was 6'5" maybe even 6'6", whatever, he was TALL. as I'm trying to make an educated guess as to exactly how tall he is, two non-descript, average joe’s jostle me aside and run past shouting, STOP RIGHT THERE! before the goliath perp can turn, the felix and oscar “odd couple” strike team scramble in front of him and are now flashing some sort of mock-FBI-wallet-id type of thing in front of him. then it dawns on me, these nothing-even-remotely-intimidating guys are arresting him! and it works!
giant criminal slumps his shoulders, silently obeying as felix turns the man around and oscar informs him he has been caught on camera stealing. I didn't catch what he allegedly stole (lawyer speak) I was just so stunned that my idea of the security detail was completely out of sync with reality.
since that first experience, I have seen two more "take-downs" all quiet, successful arrests. well, except for that fifty-something woman who screamed, threw her arms into the air and immediately spread eagle on the sidewalk without the “odd couple” asking her to.
who knew that felix unger and oscar madison were the true nemeses of the criminal underworld? obviously Meijer, the superstore.
the innocent child in me likes to look for the stray balloon of elmo or even ariel (the little mermaid for those without a disney fanatic), floating between the rafters or bapping their little helium heads on the sky-like ceiling. even an amateur bird watcher can enjoy the occasional sparrow, goldfinch or early spring robin, flying about searching for their next target, I mean nesting site.
the spring meadow music drifting through my head suddenly comes to an abrupt halt when I realize, I'm being watched. my twitter-pated goofy smile self-consciously turns to a cough and bored stare. you've probably seen them, they are the smokey-black, plasti-glass, half-sphere moles dangling from the ceiling's skin (eewwww, too graphic). they are watching me and yes, you.
no, this isn't a "she's crossed over to the Meijer crazy" paranoia moment. seriously, like every other store, security is a high priority at Meijer. I can understand the need for surveillance cameras, people fake accidents at grocery stores all the time, hoping to cash-in on the $%&#@, corporate Man! then there's the percentage of the Meijer customer base who choose shoplifting as their crime of choice.
now, amazingly enough I have never witnessed a shoplifter in the moment of comitting a crime. well, unless you consider the guy that "tastes" about 1.33 pounds of grapes. or the lady that cleans up the cheese and meat taster tray (including crackers) at the deli counter. or the mom that dumps the stale, broken bakery cookies into her toddler's snack tupperware container. those shades of grey aside, I haven't witnessed shoplifting at Meijer. however, I have watched the almost comedic scene of bringing down the law breakers.
while standing in line, I realize that a ceiling mole is dangling above every cash register. I imagine the surveillance camera room with a wall banked with small monitors, panning every nook and cranny of the store. oh, and the monitor-watchers are bemuscled (not bemused!) ex-navy seals with tattoos expressing love for "mum" and have nickname's like rosie or boo-bear. I wonder from which door the Meijer SWAT team would burst out of, ready to dog-pile the "perp"--yeah, I"ve watched Kojak.
after giving a half-hearted "thanks" to the greeter thanking me for shopping that day, (I have no idea why I say thanks, but replying "your welcome" seems too smug) I pass through the security detector thing and into the air lock. ahead of me I see this guy leaving the store, who seriously, was 6'5" maybe even 6'6", whatever, he was TALL. as I'm trying to make an educated guess as to exactly how tall he is, two non-descript, average joe’s jostle me aside and run past shouting, STOP RIGHT THERE! before the goliath perp can turn, the felix and oscar “odd couple” strike team scramble in front of him and are now flashing some sort of mock-FBI-wallet-id type of thing in front of him. then it dawns on me, these nothing-even-remotely-intimidating guys are arresting him! and it works!
giant criminal slumps his shoulders, silently obeying as felix turns the man around and oscar informs him he has been caught on camera stealing. I didn't catch what he allegedly stole (lawyer speak) I was just so stunned that my idea of the security detail was completely out of sync with reality.
since that first experience, I have seen two more "take-downs" all quiet, successful arrests. well, except for that fifty-something woman who screamed, threw her arms into the air and immediately spread eagle on the sidewalk without the “odd couple” asking her to.
who knew that felix unger and oscar madison were the true nemeses of the criminal underworld? obviously Meijer, the superstore.
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